Providence shut-down

With the Son and the Holy Spirit still deadlocked on key issues, God the Father announced today that divine providence would be shutting down, effective immediately. This is the first providence shutdown since the Filioque controversy that famously led to the East-West schism in 1054, nearly a milennium ago.

Angelic messengers emphasized that certain essential services would continue uninterrupted. Most importantly, the Holy Trinity has measures in place to make sure that the creation is sustained in its existence even in the absence of an annual providential plan, and most laws of physics will continue to be enforced. Satan and his fallen angels will also continue to torture the damned in hell, which is technically not a providential agency, but an independently funded providence-sponsored enterprise.

However, non-essential services such as coincidences that are too perfect to be mere coincidences will be suspended. Guardian angel services will be continued, but due to reduced staffing, parents were urged to keep a close eye on their children until providence is fully restored. The Virgin Mary and a limited number of other important saints will continue to hear intercessions, but the majority of the heavenly host has been furloughed pending a providential plan. Prayers will of course continue to go unanswered in any case, as agreed in the providence sequester measure passed in 1754.

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3 Responses to “Providence shut-down”

  1. Auggie McTavish Says:

    If the saints and angels will go ahead and work, they may be paid retroactively once an agreement is reached.

  2. SLHinchey Says:

    Did you pick 1754 because that was the year of Newton’s publication claiming to demonstrate that 1 John 5:7 supporting the doctrine of the Trinity was a later addition?

  3. Adam Kotsko Says:

    No, it’s the year before the Lisbon earthquake.


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