My definitive election prediction

Okay, so here’s how I see things playing out. The Republicans are going to start playing hardball against Trump, and he’ll announce a third-party candidacy in a fit of pique. Shortly thereafter, Sanders will get robbed in some obvious and intolerable way and, more in sadness than in anger, will decide that an independent run is the only way to make sure his message is heard. Though he initially hesitates, Bloomberg decides that Sanders remaining in the race triggers his run. Cruz looks at this field and decides, screw it, let Rubio have the official nomination, and runs as a sixth-party candidate.

In a Clinton-Sanders-Rubio-Trump-Cruz-Bloomberg race, only one outcome is possible: Jill Stein and the Green Party sweep the electoral college in an LBJ- or Reagan-level landslide. All Tea Party governors and state legislators immediately die of shock. Stein’s first act in office is to suspend the Constitution, declare fossil fuels illegal, bring all US troops home, and divert all military spending to domestic infrastructure and education. The resulting build-out of renewable energy and public transportation provides the economic stimulus we really needed in 2008, propelling the US into an economic golden age exceeding the postwar boom.

In short, I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.

13 Responses to “My definitive election prediction”

  1. Adam Kotsko Says:

    Also, everyone’s VP pick will be Joe Biden, across the board. Because: why not?

  2. Craig McFarlane Says:

    Because Joe Biden’s pick is Liquid Swords?

  3. seanchristophercapener Says:

    It’s like you want to build the foundations of the UFP without WWIII.

  4. Jon K Says:

    My hope is that when Bernie loses he goes back to the Senate and filibusters literally everything until the Senate votes itself out of existence.

  5. JoB Says:

    My prediction is that Schwarzenegger will be the “de facto VP” of whomever he thinks will win in exchange for getting on the real ticket next time around. So, probably Joe Biden indeed.

  6. Adam Kotsko Says:

    He can’t be VP because he’s not a natural-born citizen.

  7. Craig McFarlane Says:

    Neither is Cruz, and, possibly, McCain, and that didn’t stop them.

  8. Matt Frost Says:

    So, Babylon V without the aliens or space stations or hyperspace travel.

  9. Adam Kotsko Says:

    There’s still hope that Cruz can be stopped. I think McCain really was natural-born, though, or at least Congress passed a resolution saying that it viewed him as natural-born. McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone (U.S. territory at the time), and only appeared to be not natural-born due to a poorly drafted law.

  10. JoB Says:

    He can’t be VP but he can maybe get some traction on changing the “natural born citizen”-thing if he endorses the right candidate. Maybe they can pass a resolution that Austria in 1947 technically was under Allied (& therefore basically US governance). Just joking.

    Babylon V, why not, even including the aliens. In some ways the European Union’s current state is inspired by Babylon V. There is a lot of talk of aliens here nowadays anyway.

    The most important thing I learned though is this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Untitled_2017_Star_Trek_TV_series.

  11. Antiall Says:

    My fantasy prediction: This election will be looked back upon as the last in which identity politics was exploited to rescue the status quo.

  12. JoB Says:

    Fantasy to you, definitive to Adam. I vote for the fantasy to be definitive already.

  13. Bill Tozier Says:

    Almost certainly time will stop suddenly for almost everybody but the main character, right before an announcement is made of election results. After a few moments exploring and finding partially-spilled drinks suspended in mid-air and so forth, they will run into a Mysterious Stranger (perhaps but not necessarily an older gentleman with a calm and folksy basso profound voice) who will provide deep insights into “just what’s going on”. A decision will be made which is shocking in its simplicity, time will re-start, and the Mysterious Stranger will wink as he disappears.

    None of this is mutually exclusive with others’ predictions of course. I’m just working out the necessary framework here, from first principles.


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